Yes, yes, I know: You’re an excellent Twatter, and omitting from this list your one zinger that got 50 likes borders malfeasance. Likewise, this reporter is a negligent compiler of listicles for overlooking some spicy day where your favorite trader-nee-influencer colorfully described Brad Garlinghouse’s anatomy. 

If it’s any consolation, please know that I hate the hellsite just as much as you do. The year was terrible for almost all of the planet, and even though crypto enjoyed a strong secular bull market, everyone still managed to come together, rise above adversity, and treat each other horribly anyway. I looked up one of these tweets, expecting it to be from mid-fall, and had a mild aneurysm when I realized it was first posted two weeks ago.

Logging on to Cryptotwitter — a place where some of the smartest participants LARP as small animals with two-week lifespans, where billionaires might tell you to fornicate with your mother, where you routinely ask yourself: “Good Lord, why would anyone make porn out of Spongebob?” — is to subject the self to an unending series of degradations. In the words of Italian sculptor Alberto Giacometti, “between things, between people, bridges are broken; the void slips in everywhere, each creature secretes its own void.” I check it every morning when I first wake up.

This is not a list of the “best” tweets because there are no good tweets. They should not be interpreted as awards, either, as the only honorific to be won is being able to say “I disabled my account.” Some of them are funny, but you probably won’t think so and are going to roast me in the DMs. Please, God, let 2021 be shorter than 2020.

Happy holidays and have a good New Year, you apes.

Bullinger Bands

John Bollinger is a living legend of trading, a man whose contributions to the field are familiar to even weekend warriors teaching themselves technical analysis in their spare time. His 2001 book, Bollinger on Bollinger Bands, is a classic that’s been translated into 11 languages. According to Crypto Twitter, however, he’s a “simp.” 

In late November, Bollinger called a possible top formation on Bitcoin:

In response, Crypto Twitter gave him the business:

Somehow, the largely playful and deeply confusing back-and-forth that concluded with Bollinger proclaiming himself “your favorite simp.”

For what it’s worth, the degen army was right, too: BTC sailed past his levels with ease. Bullinger bands, indeed. 

Apes in the wild

@CryptoMessiah is a good follow: nice, a superb trader, and refreshingly open about the fact that he’ll eventually dump his bags on you. His semi-weekly Uniswap gemhunting streams are a highlight for high-risk plays, but his greatest contribution might be a simple three-word phrase: 

“Ape together strong” — crypto’s own version of “send it.” Like the “pump it, Loomdart” of yore, it’s become the mantra of a new bullmarket, the battlecry of countless degens as they stand expectantly on obvious rugs. 

Still, even geniuses can’t get it right all the time:

Where social tokens belong

From Bankless podcast host David Hoffman, a play in two acts. 

Act one:

Act two:

Personal tokens are bad, and they should die with 2020. 

Institutions are coming

At the start of 2020, they were nibbling — and now it seems like just about everyone wants to take a big bite. 

While MicroStrategy and Grayscale seemed locked in a race to see who could steal the most headlines with absurd Bitcoin buys, other institutions such as JPMorgan and Goldman Sachs also started to dip their toes in the cryptocurrency waters. According to statistical research, it’s a trend that’s only going to accelerate into 2021 as big-name banks and funds look to secure their crypto positions on any dip.

Indeed, it’s a trend that’s beginning to make one commentator’s tweet look downright prophetic: 

Point, Maisie

Elon Musk has been putting on a trolling clinic all year. Where 2019 was a bit of a flop — he pulled off a self-own coup by posting his way into a lawsuit from the SEC — in 2020, he’s managed to keep his nose clean and has had fun spending his energies bullying Bitcoin believers. 

One example was being a prototypical Reply Guy for Maisie Williams, the young actress who rose to fame playing Arya Stark on Game of Thrones. Williams threw out an innocent enough question into the digital ether:

This prompted a gentle ribbing from Musk, pretending not to be such a nerd that he can name Arya’s lineage going back three generations: 

Williams got the last laugh in the end, however, turning the concept behind Musk’s quip back on him:

Brian Armstrong rolls it back

As Musk’s behavior demonstrates, everyone on Twitter — including powerful CEOs — seem to occasionally conduct themselves with a flagrant disregard for their own career. Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong is no different. 

After announcing a “no politics that I don’t like” mandate, in a now-deleted tweet, Armstrong — during normal working hours, no less — reposted a crackpot blog from another CEO filled with falsehoods, including the head-scratching claim that one of Joe Biden’s sons took his own life in order to escape political spotlight.

Despite colossal mismanagement that has prompted an exodus of employees and public scrutiny, Armstrong will likely fall upward toward a huge paycheck if/when Coinbase goes public. And the man can’t even run a stable exchange!

Personally, I aim to bring Armstrong’s energy into 2021: Do a godawful job at everything and get a raise anyway. What an absolute icon.

I am rubber, you are a wounded human

One of the quirks that defines the wider Ethereum mythos is that the father of Ether, co-founder Vitalik Buterin, is an active and apparently highly spiritual tweeter, bringing folk wisdom about weightlifting and new-age philosophy to the trendline on the regular.   

One of his more charming pieces is a wholly uplifting body of work that came when one trader sent some barbs his way. Trying to insult Buterin is an exercise in futility, as the man’s a walking koan:

The man affectionately known as “Dima” might help guide all of us to nirvana in the new year:

Illegal nodes

Decentralized finance is a dangerous beast that can often resemble a series of Ponzi schemes stacked on top of one another. An emerging vertical with grand ambitions, at its best DeFi looks like it might genuinely be the future of finance, and at its worst, it’s replicating the hollowed-out foundations of the cynical, boom-bust financial infrastructure it seeks to replace. 

Lawmakers trying to propose regulations to guide DeFi to stability, however, seem intent on throwing out a whole orphanage with the bathwater, as Uniswap founder Hayden Adams pointed out:

Here’s to regulation that doesn’t “accidentally” ban running nodes in the new year. 

Andre owes you nothing

Some people lost money on a few of Andre’s projects because they aped into contracts before they were even announced. Some people lost money because they aped more than they should have. Some people lost money because they treated Andre as a Messianic figure, believing he could do no wrong. 

In all cases, Andre owes you nothing.

Global PvE activated

Much of 2020 consisted of the same 40 traders dumping on each other, rug pulling one another, and everyone trying to find an easy win in a landscape populated with cynical, smart and vicious competitors. 

However, as a new bull run dawns and retail traders begin to pile in, the days of PvP (player versus player) are over:

To success, money and better decisions in the new year.